Appreciation.
Carnegie states that "One of the most neglected virtues of our daily existence is appreciation." This struck as the first big lesson to me while reading the book.
Think of how easy it is to see when someone messes up, and notice that individuals flaws. But on the flip-side, how often do you notice when those same people around you do something great? On top of that, how often are you appreciating their success?
Appreciation is something most people neglect in their lives that is dramatically holding them back when it comes to influencing people.
The first thing you MUST start doing is focussing on when those around you do something well and giving them appreciation for it, instead of being focussed on something they did wrong.
Look at the other persons point of view.
I have talked on this same subject in the past, but I feel I must continue to say it, not just as a reminder to you but also as a reminder to myself. It seems as if everyone has trouble putting themselves in someone else's shoes.
We are all mostly consumed with how we feel rather than looking at the other persons point of view. The second you get out of your own mind and feel for someone else it will be much easier for the 2 of you to connect on a deeper level.
Of all 5 lessons on this blog, this one will probably be the hardest to learn because it is always easier to see things from our own perspective rather than someone else's.
Make the other person feel important.
In the book one of the main points that really stuck out to me was to make the other person feel important. Dale Carnegie states something that Andrew Carnegie did when he, and George Pullman "were battling each other for supremacy in the railroad sleeping car business."
Carnegie had decided to try to work together with Pullman and merge their interests, instead of working against each other. But what got Pullman to give Carnegie a chance on the merge, wasn't only that Carnegie wanted to work together with him, but by the fact that Carnegie was going to name their company "The Pullman Palace Car Company".
Who wouldn't want someone to name something of great importance after themselves? Wouldn't you feel important if someone was to do this for you?
I cannot express how important this point is for the relationships with people that you care about. You don't have to do something as big as naming a company after someone else, but you could do something as small as giving someone a surprise gift to show them that they are important to you and have importance in your life.
End hatred with love.
"Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love" - Buddha
Today many of us, when presented with an argument with someone will try to argue back, which in turn only escalates the situation. We can argue and scream and yell all we want but usually all that will do is make matters worse.
If you are trying to get your point across by arguing with someone else, they will never want to see your point of view. Carnegie states that you could be 100% in the right about the situation but if you argue and argue, the other person will still never want to connect with your point of view.
Instead if you start to first put yourself in his or her shoes and sympathize with him or her, then they will be more likely to start to see where you are coming from and may even agree with you completely in the end.
Change "but" to "and".
This last lesson from the book is one of the biggest takeaways I have found out of all the books I have read so far in my life.
Carnegie says "that many people offer their criticism with a sincere phrase followed by the word 'but' and ending with a critical statement."
As an example he uses what parents might say to change a child's careless attitude toward his studies.
"We're really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, then the results would have been better."
Instead if they were to say, "We're really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others." How do you think Johnnie would feel?
By giving a complement followed by the word "but" it is kind of a slap in the face to the person we are talking to.
The example with Johnnie will be able to work for everyone because every single person likes to feel encouraged when they do something good in their life. The encouragement with the word "and" will then lead to that person continuing to believe in themselves, and will help them to know that they are improving.
Closing thoughts.
I hope you gained massive value from the 5 most important lessons from How To Win Friends & Influence People! This book is by far one of the must read books if you are someone who wants to get better at interacting with the people around you.
If you have read the book already, be sure to comment a lesson that I may have left out that you found to be impactful in your life.
If you haven't read the book yet, which of these lessons stuck out the most to you, and how will you implement that lesson in your life today?
Live your life to the fullest,
Brian
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